Lent

For Lent the last couple of years, I've given up Facebook.  Last year, I gave up fast food as well.  This year I gave up Facebook and fast food again...

So I'm lonely and I can't even eat my feelings with the food I want.  (Taco Bueno, I miss you!)

I recently read an article about how people who spend a lot of time on social media sites are less happy than those who don't.  Well, I disagree.  Maybe I shouldn't have given it up this year.  I almost didn't, but the point is sacrifice, and it is something I miss.

So what do I miss?  I miss feeling connected.  Facebook gives me a sense of being connected to others, whether it's a true or false sense.  Right now I feel disconnected.  I was not truly aware--be it denial or something else--until I gave up Facebook.  I don't know which is sadder, that I am depressed without Facebook or that Facebook tricked me into feeling less alone than I am?  Thank goodness spring break is next week and I will get to see one of my best friends and some wonderful family members :).

I know we are over the hump with this whole deployment thing, but some days (evenings especially) are harder than others.  I guess tonight's just one of those nights.

This too shall pass...  Hopefully soon!

Oh Deployment

I've known for months that Brady would not get a two-week leave this deployment, something about being overseas for less than 9-months allows the military to revoke that privilege.  Well, Brady will likely be overseas exactly 9-months, August-May...  Until this week, the date was sometime in April; tonight, I found out that for whatever reason--despite our president's claim that we are at peace after 10 years (then bring my husband home today, sir)--the return date is being pushed back to May.  I just want to make one political statement now... To each and every person who tried to sell Obama to me 4 years ago with "If Obama wins, you won't have to worry about deployments anymore, he's bringing the troops home!" What do you have to say now????  Obama sent my husband back and to a worse place, and if Obama cared about the troops, he'd make sure my husband got his 2-week leave as promised on the day of the stupid Yellow Ribbon event that we were forced to attend ALL DAY on Brady's birthday--by the way, he won't be home on his birthday this year more than likely.

Do you know what it's like for children to be separated from their children for 9 months?  Do you know what it's like for a husband and wife to be separated for that long?  January marked the longest time Gavin and I have ever gone without seeing Brady.  For Kailee, that date was much earlier since she was not around for the last deployment.

Do you know what it's like to work full time at a job that requires a lot of time and heart and then come home and have to be Mom and Dad?  Do you know what it's like to see it in your son's eyes that he'd rather have Daddy here than Mommy--not because he doesn't love me but because he's a daddy's boy through and through--and to know that you are not the fun parent and all of life's stresses are making you an even less fun parent?  Hats off to all the single mamas of the world.

Do you know what it's like to be out of days in January when there's still 6 months left of school and to have to exhaust other options for childcare in the event your children get sick when really you (and they) would prefer you to do it because they are YOUR babies?

There is a reason families fall apart in the military.  The thing is, the National Guard should be here, protecting us stateside, helping with natural disasters locally. 

For the record, the majority of National Guardsmen who have been deployed will tell you that there was NO point to them being sent.  NO POINT!  Brady's been 3 times.  The story has always been the same.

By the way, active duty (as in, not National Guard, but "legit" Army) still gets their leave.

I just want to put a disclaimer here.  I am so unbelievably grateful for all the wonderful family and friends who do so much to help make our lives easier during this rough time.  I thank God everyday for you!  I also want to say that I know God has his reasons for this deployment and I need to trust him.  I'm just having a bad night.  I'm home alone--which believe me, I appreciate nights off--and just got done talking to Brady where I learned of the date being pushed back.  There's a reason I read like crazy and watch a lot of TV (or have it on in the background).  It distracts the voice in my head that reminds me of the loneliness of this year.  It keeps me in the moment and makes it easier to pretend that these 9 months will be over soon.  We are over the hump.  We are over halfway.  I just wish we could have had him home for a bit recently.  It would have made it more bearable--I know from experience.

It began with a nightmare...

Our 2nd Date, 11/14/04
My mom said she could see us starting our lives together
when she took this pic.

I cried a lot in my sleep last night because of a nightmare.  I dreamt that something happened to Brady and every time I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream continued.  I realize some of it was because of TV I watched yesterday (Ray Romano was in my dream as a therapist--I watched him as a guest star on Parenthood), but it was so real.  I was in my parents' house, trying to figure out when I had to tell Gavin and Kailee.  I was in horrible pain, but I could not bring myself to break their happy, shielded perception of the world and their daddy's safety.  It was AWFUL!   Every time I woke up, I prayed myself back to sleep for Brady's safety and for the safety of all soldiers in dangerous parts of the world.

Today, Brady is on my mind more than usual (I have no distractions, it's not a work day and the kids are at my parents'), and I have been extremely nostalgic today.  8 years ago, little did I know, but in about a month, Brady and I would begin talking online.  I had zero interest in talking to someone whose profile said he was in Vermont, but our second conversation lasted for 3 hours.  Within a couple of weeks, I saw him on the webcam and it was obvious that he was not in Vermont--he was actually in Iraq.  He told me he wanted to meet me when he came home to visit his family in Texas for his 2-week leave.  I knew he had at least 1 other date lined up, but the more we talked (I would stay up half the night talking to him if that was the only time he was available), the more we both realized this was it.  He did not meet up with any other girls while home and bought me a promise ring--the one I wear as my wedding band today.

I cannot believe it's been almost 8 years already, yet when looking over everything that has happened, I cannot believe it has only been 8.  I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who helped all of my dreams come true!  I love him so much and can't wait for him to come home!

XOXO,

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade!  After my last post, I think I need to make some lemonade...

Here's what I've got that makes me happy:

1. My family--especially Brady, Gavin and Kailee
2. My faith, I know He's working on me
3. My hope
4. My heart that loves so much
5. My soul that feels so many emotions, good and bad
6. My mom, she's the strongest person I know
7. My stepdad, Dean, he's our rock
8. My health
9. That while I'll never be rich, at this moment in time, it is not a struggle to make ends meet
10. My boldness--I'm not afraid to confront
11. The internet and wifi
12. My maids
13.  My friends who are always there to listen and guide me (and tell me when I'm wrong)
14. My neighbors who help with the dogs
15. My discipline
16. My dedication and determination
17. My career
18. My babysitter and her friends that fill-in
19. My growing patience (baby steps)
20. My tears, the release is necessary

XOXO,

It doesn't get more real than this

On Wednesday morning, I flipped out.  I flipped out on my 6-year-old.

Let's rewind a bit...  Tuesday morning (the second day of school), I realized I hadn't heard from Brady since Sunday morning.  I sent him an iMessage and didn't hear back.  All day long, I worried.  Tuesday night, Gavin had martial arts, Kailee had dance and we didn't get home until 7:45 after leaving the house that morning at 7am.  I finally heard from Brady that night and he asked that we FaceTimed with the kids in the morning.  Wednesday morning, I hit snooze an extra time, forgot we needed to get gas, forgot until it was almost time to leave that we needed to FaceTime.

We were running late and the carpool line was INSANE.  I decided to drop Gavin off in a different place (Brady used to do this to avoid the carpool lane), but Gavin decided to refuse to get out of the car with his "Me Bag"--his homework.  He did not see any kids with their bag and didn't want to be made fun of.  Last spring, I sent him to school in his swimsuit on the wrong day, and he was made fun of (in kindergarten!!!!) and hasn't forgotten.  At that moment, I completely lost it.  I screamed my head off at that poor child.  I drove around the block, got back in the carpool line and again he refused to get out.  By this point I had realized that I was taking out all my fear and stress the last couple of days on him.  I apologized for yelling at him, but he was very upset.  When Gavin is upset, he gets very quiet and doesn't talk.  Some employees came to try to help get him in the school, but he wouldn't go with them.  We all ended up getting out of the car and walked him to class at 8:05 (20 minutes late).  We have since processed it and discussed how we are all on the same team and need to help each other in the mornings.  Gavin at least says he understands that Mommy is very stressed out and that he should never refuse to get out of the car again.

I feel like the worst mom on the planet.  I completely overreacted.  I feel like I yell so much more now that Brady is gone.  I have no energy--which may sound crazy seeing as how I had been working out like crazy.  I feel like I have such a short fuse, and it's not fair to Gavin and Kailee.  I keep seeing the pinterest thing about how we talk to our children becomes their inner voice and I feel like this year is going to completely screw up my kids because I am not handling things appropriately.

I'm exhausted.  I feel like I can't do it all.  The house is a disaster--I barely get it cleaned up before the maids come, and I can't cancel the maids because the thought of having to tidy up AND clean is too much.  I would not clean ever and my children would live in grime.  The sink is full of dishes that I haven't done in 2 weeks.  I am seriously considering using paper plates and plastic silverware just to cut out one more thing.  I come home and am so tired I just don't care what the house looks like, but when I look around, I get stressed because I don't like a messy house.  I have zero energy to work out when I get home--and I think I need those endorphins.  The only time I feel happy and confident is at school.  It's the place where I feel like I have everything together.  It's the place where I feel like I'm succeeding and not failing.  It is such a comfort to be back in the classroom.  I want to come home and feel happy, not stressed.

Right now, the kids are with my parents.  As soon as my mom left with them, I immediately started thinking of all the things I must get done in 24 hours and became exhausted just thinking.  I know I have to be an adult and do this, but all I want to do is lay on the couch and let time pass.  I am not good at this.  It is so hard to balance everything without your partner there to help you stay balanced.  I feel very trapped and I don't like feeling trapped.  I don't know how single moms do this full time.  I am very thankful for my parents' help and for them keeping the kids a on most Saturday nights.  I know it would be so much harder without their help.

And then there's the huge thing... We miss Brady soooooooo much.  When things get tough, it just makes me miss him even more and makes me really miss the wonderful life we had.  I can't wait to have him back again!!!!

I try not to let him know just how hard it is (he doesn't read my blog), but it's really hard.  So hard that I am especially grateful that the army messed up on his contract and that he has options now.  He's not locked into 6 years!  He's locked into less than a year and currently has zero plans to extend beyond a year to year basis to prevent this from happening to our family ever again.  If they do not offer that option, he is willing to consider not renewing.  We'll see.  He seems to always forget just how much he misses us when the time comes to renew.

And now, I'm going to go dry my eyes, head to the store (because I figure it will be less busy on a Saturday night than a Sunday afternoon) and try to tidy up this house.  I gotta utilize the kid-free time or else I'll regret it later.

XOXO,

Oh and I just wanted to add that I feel like an ungrateful baby with all the worse things happening to others in the world!  I have happy, healthy children, a wonderful husband, amazing supportive people in my life.  I want each of you to know I am thankful for you.  Please forgive my pity party.

A chance encounter...

My baby, Kailee, turned 3 on Monday and for the past two years we have gone to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  While there this year (please, let's not get caught up in the whole Chick-Fil-A politics now), Gavin got hurt while wrestling with another little boy--I know, I know, bad parent moment for me, I was reading on my phone at the time.  The mom came over to apologize and I explained that Gavin knows he can only wrestle around with his Dad who has been gone for a couple of months.  Turns out, this woman's husband is currently deployed!  They are stationed out of the country and came home for the summer since her husband was deployed anyway.

We ended up chatting for 3 hours!  The kids (hers are 4 and 6) played wonderfully and were disappointed they had to say goodbye after 3 hours.  If you've ever been to the Chick-Fil-A play place, this is quite impressive as it is small and not that awesome (though I 100% appreciate that the kids are enclosed in a separate glass room so you don't have to hear the screams).  I am sad the family is heading back to their home overseas next week.  We leave tomorrow to see Brady so we won't be able to visit with them again--though we exchanged info and hope to get together when they visit family in the area next time.

It was a great day for all of us :).  We can't wait to head to see Brady tomorrow (we won't get there until Saturday).  Watch for a post in a little over a week about our visit.  I already have plans for a slide show using iMovie.  Stay tuned!

XOXO,

The kids are REALLY missing Daddy (Mom is too!)

Yesterday we checked into the Gaylord Texan for a mini-vacation with one of my best friends and her family.  It was so much fun after a week of being stuck home potty training!  Kailee did very well while we were there.  She wore pull-ups but told me when she needed to go potty.  We still don't have #2 down but she's pretty consistent with #1 as long as she's not in the pool :).

Today on the lazy river at the resort, I noticed Kailee watching other kids with their daddies.

Here's a conversation we had:

Kailee: I miss my daddy.  My daddy left us.
Me: No, Baby!  He had to go to Mississippi for work.  He didn't leave us.
Kailee: I want to go to Daddy's house in Mississippi.

It made me tear up.  This has been hard for all of us, but it's especially heartbreaking to see my kids hurting.

About an hour later, Gavin and I had this conversation:

Me: Are you excited to go on our big vacation in 2 weeks?
Gavin: Is Daddy going too?
Me: No...  He has to be at work in Mississippi but we'll go see him there a week or two after we get back from vacation.
Gavin: When we went to Great Wolf Lodge, was that Daddy's last vacation ever?
Me: No!  Maybe we'll all go back to Great Wolf Lodge when he comes home for his 2 weeks.

Just typing this conversation made me cry because what I managed to hold in for Gavin is that I have had that question plague me.  What if...?  I pray that that was not our last family vacation with Brady.  I know I can't let myself go there because that's unproductive, but my heart sank when he asked that.

So if you are reading this, please say a quick prayer that Brady comes home safely after his tour.  Thank you!

Just realized that our honeymoon cruise left today without us :(.  Oh well.  Next year! :)

XOXO,

Parenting alone

Parenting is hard with two parents, alone, it can be miserable.  I recently decided to try to potty train Kailee.  Well, if I'm honest, I was really excited when my mother-in-law offered to do it because I was DREADING IT.  Unfortunately she was unable to do it after all.  I brought home Kailee determined that we were done with diapers.  I had been so excited at the thought that I could not put it off any longer.  We began Monday around 5pm--yes I realize that might seem crazy, but I was determined and just plain done with diapers.  I won't go into details of all the accidents on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but yesterday I did have a meltdown (not in front of her) where I broke down crying just as a sweet friend called to let me vent.  She asked the million dollar question, "So why are you adding to your stress right now?"

That is a VERY good question.  Here's the honest answer:  while we have been adjusting to Brady being gone, it has been hard and I've found myself becoming more and more envious of the people around me.  I had a great life and I knew it.  I miss the life I took for granted and I was beginning to see all the negatives. I felt like so many things were going wrong and I just needed something to go right.  I try not to complain about something if I'm not willing to take action to change it--hence, my insane workout regimen which is making me quite toned.  After hearing about two close friends who potty trained their 1-year-olds in the last month, I decided I needed that.  I needed my almost-3-year-old to get the heck out of diapers.  It has been an up and down process this week but we are finally having a VERY successful day.  She's had zero accidents and finally pooped in the potty.  Let me tell ya, there were tears.  I cried in relief!  I picked her up and tossed her in the air, swung her around, cheered, and gave her about 50 M&Ms.  We called Brady and he was just as excited and praised her over the phone.

I won't go so far as to say we are done, but we have made huge progress and are committed to no daytime diapers, just pull-ups at night!

Next project: drop the pacifier or as Kailee calls it, "Myna."

XOXO,

Lazy Sunday

On Sunday, I slept in.  I know, I know, I should have gotten up and gone to church, but it was a much needed opportunity to sleep in and actually was the first time I slept in since Brady left (I have been sleeping with either the TV on or a light each night since he left which has made for less than stellar rest).  Every other time the kids have been gone overnight, I still woke up at like 7am.  On Sunday, I slept in until 11 and still have 5 hours until I needed to get the kids from my parents' house.  

So what did I do?  

I could have done some laundry (okay, I did do 1 load), I could have tidied up the house, I could have gone to the grocery store...  I didn't do any of that.  I worked out and proceeded to watch the remaining 4 episodes of Revenge on my DVR and it was WONDERFUL.  Yeah it meant I might have to brave the store with 2 wild children, but sometimes, you just gotta relax and forget your responsibilities.  

I am so grateful my parents live nearby and give me a break each weekend.  I am a social being BUT I need my alone time to reenergize and that's exactly what I got on Sunday.

And Brady comes home tonight! :)

XOXO,

Butterflies :)

As the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  Well, this text message this morning gave me butterflies :).  It's the little things that matter most!

XOXO,

A confession...

Thank you, Pinterest

Do you know what happens when I don't put bath time on the calendar with an alarm?  Well... They had a bath on Sunday and then not again until tonight (THURSDAY)...  In my defense, I was incapacitated on Tuesday and still felt icky last night, but I almost forgot they needed one tonight!  I did not remember until 8pm (bedtime).  There's apparently too much going on in my head.  I apparently MUST SET REMINDERS for even day-to-day things.

XOXO,

Sick & Sad

It's never fun to be sick, but it becomes especially hard when you are a single parent.  Yesterday, I became ill while at work.  A month ago, this would be no big deal.  Brady would gladly pick up both kids and take care of them while I recuperated.  Tonight, while I still feel weak and a bit icky, he would let me go to bed and rest while he cared for our kids.

Thank goodness for my parents who were able to pick up the kids, feed them and bring them home yesterday.  My mom stayed the night which turned out to be an even bigger blessing when Gavin became ill around 2am.  Dean came to pick up Gavin this morning and kept him while he recuperated so I could go back to work.  I am so grateful to my parents!  I know there are many other full time single parents who do not have the support I have.

BUT... For a moment I am having a little bit of a pity party.  When I saw Brady's car in the driveway upon arriving home, I got sad.  I wish he were here.  Not because I want him to take care of the kids for me but because I want him to cuddle with me and tell me that it's all going to be all right.  I want to feel comforted and not alone.  When I was sick as a kid, all I wanted was my mom.  Well now, all I want is my husband.  I miss him :(.  

What's making it worse is that I see all the sheets and towels--not to mention clothes--that need to be washed today.  I just can't do it.  I ate a hearty lunch but right now my stomach feels blah so I'm going to relax on the couch and watch some Dawson's Creek on Netflix.  

XOXO,

Thank you, veterans!

Thank you to all the veterans who have served our country!  I am forever grateful for the the spoiled lifestyle I can lead without fear thanks to every person who ever fought on our nation's behalf.  

And thank you to the families of veterans!  Our sacrifice and hardship are not without reason.

I am especially thankful for my husband!  I am so lucky he found and chose me :).  I love you, Brady!

XOXO,

3 Day rule

Whenever there are big changes in my life, it typically takes me 3 days of mourning for the old life before I start to feel better.  Brady left Saturday, day 1, and while I was distracted most of the day, when I drove home late in the evening, the tears began.  Then on Sunday, day 2, I cried pretty much all day and evening.  Yesterday, day 3, I cried before work and after work.  Today, I woke up a little sad, but did not feel the urge to cry.  I have had a great day for the most part (despite my students who have completely checked out and who are fighting tooth and nail to not have to do anymore work this year).  Tonight, I didn't even get overwhelmed with all the things that had/have to get done.  For example, I had to unload the dishwasher so that the maids would be able to load it when they come tomorrow.  Speaking of the maids, I had to do my part to put the house back together so the maids can thoroughly clean--the downstairs is ready to go, though I will tackle the upstairs as soon as I'm done with this post.  Not to mention the baths that I put on my calendar so I wouldn't forget to keep my children clean (in my defense, bath time has been a Daddy thing since day 1).  I also remembered to feed the dogs (that caused tears on Sunday when I forgot to feed them until like 10am) and hopefully will find time to do workout 99 tonight.

I'm tearing up right now, not because I'm sad but because I'm relieved to feel more at peace and to want to be an active participant in my life.  I have been praying--or rather, BEGGING for peace--and while our situation is not ideal, I am again able to focus on the amazing blessings around me.  I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me to receive words of encouragement from so many people the last few days (and weeks).  It really has helped me get through the beginning which to me is always the hardest part.

Now off to clean up the upstairs, which wouldn't be so bad except that I decided to rearrange the entire master bedroom last night (you may call this my new stress outlet seeing as how I don't have to clean anymore), making it necessary to go through tons of books and random things.

XOXO,

The most heart-wrenching moment so far

Tonight when we arrived home, Gavin got very excited.  He jumped out of the car and said, "Look Mommy!  I see Brady's car!  It looks like he's home!"  Sadly, I had to explain that I dropped off Daddy on Saturday and that he left his car here for us to use.  He wasn't paying attention when we got home yesterday or left for school this morning so he didn't realize the car had been here all along.  (Side note: Gavin sometimes talks about us using our real names, though he never actually calls us anything besides Mommy and Daddy). 

At that point, I teared back up.  This morning was a rough one.  I cried a few times (thankfully, I got it together before my students arrived).  It felt great though to be back in my normal routine with my students, doing what I love to do.  Driving home after school I was at peace with the normalcy of the day, but Gavin's excitement at the thought that Daddy might be home reminded me how much I wished he were home.  I cried through dinner and then was able to get it together again.  Of course, now that I'm remembering it, I'm crying.  Thankfully, Gavin did not get upset about Daddy being gone still and was happy to talk to him on the phone before bed.

XOXO,

Fears & Tears

I put off coming home today until I absolutely had to (9pm is when I arrived home after leaving at 5:30am), and I was okay until I came upstairs and got into bed.  Looking over to Brady's side of the bed, seeing his clothes in the closet, I miss him.  I know it's silly to be crying right now as I type.  I saw him this morning, I will see him again in 3.5 weeks, but every time he goes away, the first 3 nights are lonely.  After about the 3rd night, I start to adjust and get into a routine.

But this time our time is limited.  When he comes home, we don't get to go back to normal.  Every second will be precious.  I just keep thinking back to a month ago when I felt safe and secure.  When our life was "boring" and simple.  I want to go back to that.  I don't want to be worried for another year.  What if he doesn't come back?  I know I shouldn't let my mind go there, but how can it not when every person gives me the same look when they hear he's going to Afghanistan.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON.  They may try to cover it with their words, but their eyes give them away and I find myself agreeing and reassuring them when my head and my heart feel otherwise.

I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I give things either my all or nothing.  I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I now have to do everything.  When I get overwhelmed, I give up and don't do anything at all.  I don't have that option.  I know this is going to sound really selfish, but right now I don't have anyone to take care of me.  I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a long time until this is over.  Gosh, I wish he hadn't signed yet.  I wish he hadn't talked me into letting him sign again.  It's too big of a risk for retirement.  It's not worth it.  No amount of money is worth this risk.

I know I need to trust God.  I'm just at a loss with my heartache and fears to be able to do that right now.  I want to.  I want to be comforted and feel at peace so badly.  I want to have faith that God will bring Brady back safely--but don't you think that many of the wives who lost their husbands had that same faith?  Why should we be so lucky for him to survive a 3rd deployment?  I hope and pray that we are.

My tears right now are more about my fears than anything else.  I'm not just scared on my behalf but also for my kids.  I know how attached I was/am to my mom.  It literally was impossible for me to be away from my mom for an extended period of time (besides going to camp).  Some of my friends can attest to this.  I hurt thinking about how I would feel in their shoes.  I don't want them to be sad. I want to shelter my kids from this kind of pain and hardship.  I want them to have a normal life with Daddy here with us.

All right, time to go blow my nose and hopefully stop this crying.  I'm going to put on Scrubs or How I met your Mother now on the Roku to distract my brain and hopefully will be asleep within minutes.

XOXO,

Saying "Good Bye" the First Time

Brady had to report for duty on Thursday morning but because he lives in the area, he was allowed to come home Thursday and Friday night.  I cried a few times throughout Thursday and Friday but was so grateful for even just a couple more evenings of him here.  I don't think the reality hit Brady until this week and he's had trouble sleeping.

Today he told me that it was different this time around for him.  He told me that while it's one thing to leave me, it's another to leave his babies for such a long time.  The longest he's ever been away from Kailee is just over 2 weeks, from Gavin, well, it's been another deployment.  When Brady came back last time, he admitted that it was a lot harder to leave Gavin and me behind than he thought it would be.  I think he had forgotten that feeling until this week, and he became really down about leaving again.

So please keep him in your prayers.  I know I could not leave my kids for this long.  I think I could handle a week away, but beyond that is beyond me.  Thankfully, we will be able to talk on the phone, FaceTime and Skype on a regular basis for now.

XOXO,

Oodles & Gobs: Gavin's 6th Birthday Party

Click the link below to see pictures of Gavin's 6th birthday party.  We wanted to make it an awesome memory to look back on while Brady is away.

Oodles & Gobs: Gavin's 6th Birthday Party: We got a little crazy planning for Gavin's birthday party this year.  Once we found out about the impending deployment, we were able to just...

Oodles & Gobs: Great Wolf Lodge

Click the link below to see pictures from our family vacation to Great Wolf Lodge.

Oodles & Gobs: Great Wolf Lodge: Last Sunday we headed to Great Wolf Lodge for our family vacation.  Here are some pics from our visit: Kailee is ready to go! Gavin a...

Bitter

It's a part of the process I know, but I don't like the immense anger I feel tonight.  I am so angry at this situation that I cannot change.  I am so angry to be so powerless.  Thankfully, for the most part I have been able to distract myself, but I feel it hovering behind every task I accomplish tonight.  I have been doing laundry like crazy, and I realize it's because it's my "cleaning" stress relief.  I have a clean house thanks to the maids--for whom I am so grateful and appreciative that our new financial situation from the impending deployment affords us--so I have found a new outlet: laundry.  This is good because I hate laundry normally.

I guess that's the silver lining.  In my anger, I have accomplished much laundry.

XOXO,