It began with a nightmare...

Our 2nd Date, 11/14/04
My mom said she could see us starting our lives together
when she took this pic.

I cried a lot in my sleep last night because of a nightmare.  I dreamt that something happened to Brady and every time I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream continued.  I realize some of it was because of TV I watched yesterday (Ray Romano was in my dream as a therapist--I watched him as a guest star on Parenthood), but it was so real.  I was in my parents' house, trying to figure out when I had to tell Gavin and Kailee.  I was in horrible pain, but I could not bring myself to break their happy, shielded perception of the world and their daddy's safety.  It was AWFUL!   Every time I woke up, I prayed myself back to sleep for Brady's safety and for the safety of all soldiers in dangerous parts of the world.

Today, Brady is on my mind more than usual (I have no distractions, it's not a work day and the kids are at my parents'), and I have been extremely nostalgic today.  8 years ago, little did I know, but in about a month, Brady and I would begin talking online.  I had zero interest in talking to someone whose profile said he was in Vermont, but our second conversation lasted for 3 hours.  Within a couple of weeks, I saw him on the webcam and it was obvious that he was not in Vermont--he was actually in Iraq.  He told me he wanted to meet me when he came home to visit his family in Texas for his 2-week leave.  I knew he had at least 1 other date lined up, but the more we talked (I would stay up half the night talking to him if that was the only time he was available), the more we both realized this was it.  He did not meet up with any other girls while home and bought me a promise ring--the one I wear as my wedding band today.

I cannot believe it's been almost 8 years already, yet when looking over everything that has happened, I cannot believe it has only been 8.  I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who helped all of my dreams come true!  I love him so much and can't wait for him to come home!

XOXO,

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade!  After my last post, I think I need to make some lemonade...

Here's what I've got that makes me happy:

1. My family--especially Brady, Gavin and Kailee
2. My faith, I know He's working on me
3. My hope
4. My heart that loves so much
5. My soul that feels so many emotions, good and bad
6. My mom, she's the strongest person I know
7. My stepdad, Dean, he's our rock
8. My health
9. That while I'll never be rich, at this moment in time, it is not a struggle to make ends meet
10. My boldness--I'm not afraid to confront
11. The internet and wifi
12. My maids
13.  My friends who are always there to listen and guide me (and tell me when I'm wrong)
14. My neighbors who help with the dogs
15. My discipline
16. My dedication and determination
17. My career
18. My babysitter and her friends that fill-in
19. My growing patience (baby steps)
20. My tears, the release is necessary

XOXO,

It doesn't get more real than this

On Wednesday morning, I flipped out.  I flipped out on my 6-year-old.

Let's rewind a bit...  Tuesday morning (the second day of school), I realized I hadn't heard from Brady since Sunday morning.  I sent him an iMessage and didn't hear back.  All day long, I worried.  Tuesday night, Gavin had martial arts, Kailee had dance and we didn't get home until 7:45 after leaving the house that morning at 7am.  I finally heard from Brady that night and he asked that we FaceTimed with the kids in the morning.  Wednesday morning, I hit snooze an extra time, forgot we needed to get gas, forgot until it was almost time to leave that we needed to FaceTime.

We were running late and the carpool line was INSANE.  I decided to drop Gavin off in a different place (Brady used to do this to avoid the carpool lane), but Gavin decided to refuse to get out of the car with his "Me Bag"--his homework.  He did not see any kids with their bag and didn't want to be made fun of.  Last spring, I sent him to school in his swimsuit on the wrong day, and he was made fun of (in kindergarten!!!!) and hasn't forgotten.  At that moment, I completely lost it.  I screamed my head off at that poor child.  I drove around the block, got back in the carpool line and again he refused to get out.  By this point I had realized that I was taking out all my fear and stress the last couple of days on him.  I apologized for yelling at him, but he was very upset.  When Gavin is upset, he gets very quiet and doesn't talk.  Some employees came to try to help get him in the school, but he wouldn't go with them.  We all ended up getting out of the car and walked him to class at 8:05 (20 minutes late).  We have since processed it and discussed how we are all on the same team and need to help each other in the mornings.  Gavin at least says he understands that Mommy is very stressed out and that he should never refuse to get out of the car again.

I feel like the worst mom on the planet.  I completely overreacted.  I feel like I yell so much more now that Brady is gone.  I have no energy--which may sound crazy seeing as how I had been working out like crazy.  I feel like I have such a short fuse, and it's not fair to Gavin and Kailee.  I keep seeing the pinterest thing about how we talk to our children becomes their inner voice and I feel like this year is going to completely screw up my kids because I am not handling things appropriately.

I'm exhausted.  I feel like I can't do it all.  The house is a disaster--I barely get it cleaned up before the maids come, and I can't cancel the maids because the thought of having to tidy up AND clean is too much.  I would not clean ever and my children would live in grime.  The sink is full of dishes that I haven't done in 2 weeks.  I am seriously considering using paper plates and plastic silverware just to cut out one more thing.  I come home and am so tired I just don't care what the house looks like, but when I look around, I get stressed because I don't like a messy house.  I have zero energy to work out when I get home--and I think I need those endorphins.  The only time I feel happy and confident is at school.  It's the place where I feel like I have everything together.  It's the place where I feel like I'm succeeding and not failing.  It is such a comfort to be back in the classroom.  I want to come home and feel happy, not stressed.

Right now, the kids are with my parents.  As soon as my mom left with them, I immediately started thinking of all the things I must get done in 24 hours and became exhausted just thinking.  I know I have to be an adult and do this, but all I want to do is lay on the couch and let time pass.  I am not good at this.  It is so hard to balance everything without your partner there to help you stay balanced.  I feel very trapped and I don't like feeling trapped.  I don't know how single moms do this full time.  I am very thankful for my parents' help and for them keeping the kids a on most Saturday nights.  I know it would be so much harder without their help.

And then there's the huge thing... We miss Brady soooooooo much.  When things get tough, it just makes me miss him even more and makes me really miss the wonderful life we had.  I can't wait to have him back again!!!!

I try not to let him know just how hard it is (he doesn't read my blog), but it's really hard.  So hard that I am especially grateful that the army messed up on his contract and that he has options now.  He's not locked into 6 years!  He's locked into less than a year and currently has zero plans to extend beyond a year to year basis to prevent this from happening to our family ever again.  If they do not offer that option, he is willing to consider not renewing.  We'll see.  He seems to always forget just how much he misses us when the time comes to renew.

And now, I'm going to go dry my eyes, head to the store (because I figure it will be less busy on a Saturday night than a Sunday afternoon) and try to tidy up this house.  I gotta utilize the kid-free time or else I'll regret it later.

XOXO,

Oh and I just wanted to add that I feel like an ungrateful baby with all the worse things happening to others in the world!  I have happy, healthy children, a wonderful husband, amazing supportive people in my life.  I want each of you to know I am thankful for you.  Please forgive my pity party.