Lent

For Lent the last couple of years, I've given up Facebook.  Last year, I gave up fast food as well.  This year I gave up Facebook and fast food again...

So I'm lonely and I can't even eat my feelings with the food I want.  (Taco Bueno, I miss you!)

I recently read an article about how people who spend a lot of time on social media sites are less happy than those who don't.  Well, I disagree.  Maybe I shouldn't have given it up this year.  I almost didn't, but the point is sacrifice, and it is something I miss.

So what do I miss?  I miss feeling connected.  Facebook gives me a sense of being connected to others, whether it's a true or false sense.  Right now I feel disconnected.  I was not truly aware--be it denial or something else--until I gave up Facebook.  I don't know which is sadder, that I am depressed without Facebook or that Facebook tricked me into feeling less alone than I am?  Thank goodness spring break is next week and I will get to see one of my best friends and some wonderful family members :).

I know we are over the hump with this whole deployment thing, but some days (evenings especially) are harder than others.  I guess tonight's just one of those nights.

This too shall pass...  Hopefully soon!

Oh Deployment

I've known for months that Brady would not get a two-week leave this deployment, something about being overseas for less than 9-months allows the military to revoke that privilege.  Well, Brady will likely be overseas exactly 9-months, August-May...  Until this week, the date was sometime in April; tonight, I found out that for whatever reason--despite our president's claim that we are at peace after 10 years (then bring my husband home today, sir)--the return date is being pushed back to May.  I just want to make one political statement now... To each and every person who tried to sell Obama to me 4 years ago with "If Obama wins, you won't have to worry about deployments anymore, he's bringing the troops home!" What do you have to say now????  Obama sent my husband back and to a worse place, and if Obama cared about the troops, he'd make sure my husband got his 2-week leave as promised on the day of the stupid Yellow Ribbon event that we were forced to attend ALL DAY on Brady's birthday--by the way, he won't be home on his birthday this year more than likely.

Do you know what it's like for children to be separated from their children for 9 months?  Do you know what it's like for a husband and wife to be separated for that long?  January marked the longest time Gavin and I have ever gone without seeing Brady.  For Kailee, that date was much earlier since she was not around for the last deployment.

Do you know what it's like to work full time at a job that requires a lot of time and heart and then come home and have to be Mom and Dad?  Do you know what it's like to see it in your son's eyes that he'd rather have Daddy here than Mommy--not because he doesn't love me but because he's a daddy's boy through and through--and to know that you are not the fun parent and all of life's stresses are making you an even less fun parent?  Hats off to all the single mamas of the world.

Do you know what it's like to be out of days in January when there's still 6 months left of school and to have to exhaust other options for childcare in the event your children get sick when really you (and they) would prefer you to do it because they are YOUR babies?

There is a reason families fall apart in the military.  The thing is, the National Guard should be here, protecting us stateside, helping with natural disasters locally. 

For the record, the majority of National Guardsmen who have been deployed will tell you that there was NO point to them being sent.  NO POINT!  Brady's been 3 times.  The story has always been the same.

By the way, active duty (as in, not National Guard, but "legit" Army) still gets their leave.

I just want to put a disclaimer here.  I am so unbelievably grateful for all the wonderful family and friends who do so much to help make our lives easier during this rough time.  I thank God everyday for you!  I also want to say that I know God has his reasons for this deployment and I need to trust him.  I'm just having a bad night.  I'm home alone--which believe me, I appreciate nights off--and just got done talking to Brady where I learned of the date being pushed back.  There's a reason I read like crazy and watch a lot of TV (or have it on in the background).  It distracts the voice in my head that reminds me of the loneliness of this year.  It keeps me in the moment and makes it easier to pretend that these 9 months will be over soon.  We are over the hump.  We are over halfway.  I just wish we could have had him home for a bit recently.  It would have made it more bearable--I know from experience.

It doesn't get more real than this

On Wednesday morning, I flipped out.  I flipped out on my 6-year-old.

Let's rewind a bit...  Tuesday morning (the second day of school), I realized I hadn't heard from Brady since Sunday morning.  I sent him an iMessage and didn't hear back.  All day long, I worried.  Tuesday night, Gavin had martial arts, Kailee had dance and we didn't get home until 7:45 after leaving the house that morning at 7am.  I finally heard from Brady that night and he asked that we FaceTimed with the kids in the morning.  Wednesday morning, I hit snooze an extra time, forgot we needed to get gas, forgot until it was almost time to leave that we needed to FaceTime.

We were running late and the carpool line was INSANE.  I decided to drop Gavin off in a different place (Brady used to do this to avoid the carpool lane), but Gavin decided to refuse to get out of the car with his "Me Bag"--his homework.  He did not see any kids with their bag and didn't want to be made fun of.  Last spring, I sent him to school in his swimsuit on the wrong day, and he was made fun of (in kindergarten!!!!) and hasn't forgotten.  At that moment, I completely lost it.  I screamed my head off at that poor child.  I drove around the block, got back in the carpool line and again he refused to get out.  By this point I had realized that I was taking out all my fear and stress the last couple of days on him.  I apologized for yelling at him, but he was very upset.  When Gavin is upset, he gets very quiet and doesn't talk.  Some employees came to try to help get him in the school, but he wouldn't go with them.  We all ended up getting out of the car and walked him to class at 8:05 (20 minutes late).  We have since processed it and discussed how we are all on the same team and need to help each other in the mornings.  Gavin at least says he understands that Mommy is very stressed out and that he should never refuse to get out of the car again.

I feel like the worst mom on the planet.  I completely overreacted.  I feel like I yell so much more now that Brady is gone.  I have no energy--which may sound crazy seeing as how I had been working out like crazy.  I feel like I have such a short fuse, and it's not fair to Gavin and Kailee.  I keep seeing the pinterest thing about how we talk to our children becomes their inner voice and I feel like this year is going to completely screw up my kids because I am not handling things appropriately.

I'm exhausted.  I feel like I can't do it all.  The house is a disaster--I barely get it cleaned up before the maids come, and I can't cancel the maids because the thought of having to tidy up AND clean is too much.  I would not clean ever and my children would live in grime.  The sink is full of dishes that I haven't done in 2 weeks.  I am seriously considering using paper plates and plastic silverware just to cut out one more thing.  I come home and am so tired I just don't care what the house looks like, but when I look around, I get stressed because I don't like a messy house.  I have zero energy to work out when I get home--and I think I need those endorphins.  The only time I feel happy and confident is at school.  It's the place where I feel like I have everything together.  It's the place where I feel like I'm succeeding and not failing.  It is such a comfort to be back in the classroom.  I want to come home and feel happy, not stressed.

Right now, the kids are with my parents.  As soon as my mom left with them, I immediately started thinking of all the things I must get done in 24 hours and became exhausted just thinking.  I know I have to be an adult and do this, but all I want to do is lay on the couch and let time pass.  I am not good at this.  It is so hard to balance everything without your partner there to help you stay balanced.  I feel very trapped and I don't like feeling trapped.  I don't know how single moms do this full time.  I am very thankful for my parents' help and for them keeping the kids a on most Saturday nights.  I know it would be so much harder without their help.

And then there's the huge thing... We miss Brady soooooooo much.  When things get tough, it just makes me miss him even more and makes me really miss the wonderful life we had.  I can't wait to have him back again!!!!

I try not to let him know just how hard it is (he doesn't read my blog), but it's really hard.  So hard that I am especially grateful that the army messed up on his contract and that he has options now.  He's not locked into 6 years!  He's locked into less than a year and currently has zero plans to extend beyond a year to year basis to prevent this from happening to our family ever again.  If they do not offer that option, he is willing to consider not renewing.  We'll see.  He seems to always forget just how much he misses us when the time comes to renew.

And now, I'm going to go dry my eyes, head to the store (because I figure it will be less busy on a Saturday night than a Sunday afternoon) and try to tidy up this house.  I gotta utilize the kid-free time or else I'll regret it later.

XOXO,

Oh and I just wanted to add that I feel like an ungrateful baby with all the worse things happening to others in the world!  I have happy, healthy children, a wonderful husband, amazing supportive people in my life.  I want each of you to know I am thankful for you.  Please forgive my pity party.

Parenting alone

Parenting is hard with two parents, alone, it can be miserable.  I recently decided to try to potty train Kailee.  Well, if I'm honest, I was really excited when my mother-in-law offered to do it because I was DREADING IT.  Unfortunately she was unable to do it after all.  I brought home Kailee determined that we were done with diapers.  I had been so excited at the thought that I could not put it off any longer.  We began Monday around 5pm--yes I realize that might seem crazy, but I was determined and just plain done with diapers.  I won't go into details of all the accidents on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but yesterday I did have a meltdown (not in front of her) where I broke down crying just as a sweet friend called to let me vent.  She asked the million dollar question, "So why are you adding to your stress right now?"

That is a VERY good question.  Here's the honest answer:  while we have been adjusting to Brady being gone, it has been hard and I've found myself becoming more and more envious of the people around me.  I had a great life and I knew it.  I miss the life I took for granted and I was beginning to see all the negatives. I felt like so many things were going wrong and I just needed something to go right.  I try not to complain about something if I'm not willing to take action to change it--hence, my insane workout regimen which is making me quite toned.  After hearing about two close friends who potty trained their 1-year-olds in the last month, I decided I needed that.  I needed my almost-3-year-old to get the heck out of diapers.  It has been an up and down process this week but we are finally having a VERY successful day.  She's had zero accidents and finally pooped in the potty.  Let me tell ya, there were tears.  I cried in relief!  I picked her up and tossed her in the air, swung her around, cheered, and gave her about 50 M&Ms.  We called Brady and he was just as excited and praised her over the phone.

I won't go so far as to say we are done, but we have made huge progress and are committed to no daytime diapers, just pull-ups at night!

Next project: drop the pacifier or as Kailee calls it, "Myna."

XOXO,

Sick & Sad

It's never fun to be sick, but it becomes especially hard when you are a single parent.  Yesterday, I became ill while at work.  A month ago, this would be no big deal.  Brady would gladly pick up both kids and take care of them while I recuperated.  Tonight, while I still feel weak and a bit icky, he would let me go to bed and rest while he cared for our kids.

Thank goodness for my parents who were able to pick up the kids, feed them and bring them home yesterday.  My mom stayed the night which turned out to be an even bigger blessing when Gavin became ill around 2am.  Dean came to pick up Gavin this morning and kept him while he recuperated so I could go back to work.  I am so grateful to my parents!  I know there are many other full time single parents who do not have the support I have.

BUT... For a moment I am having a little bit of a pity party.  When I saw Brady's car in the driveway upon arriving home, I got sad.  I wish he were here.  Not because I want him to take care of the kids for me but because I want him to cuddle with me and tell me that it's all going to be all right.  I want to feel comforted and not alone.  When I was sick as a kid, all I wanted was my mom.  Well now, all I want is my husband.  I miss him :(.  

What's making it worse is that I see all the sheets and towels--not to mention clothes--that need to be washed today.  I just can't do it.  I ate a hearty lunch but right now my stomach feels blah so I'm going to relax on the couch and watch some Dawson's Creek on Netflix.  

XOXO,

Fears & Tears

I put off coming home today until I absolutely had to (9pm is when I arrived home after leaving at 5:30am), and I was okay until I came upstairs and got into bed.  Looking over to Brady's side of the bed, seeing his clothes in the closet, I miss him.  I know it's silly to be crying right now as I type.  I saw him this morning, I will see him again in 3.5 weeks, but every time he goes away, the first 3 nights are lonely.  After about the 3rd night, I start to adjust and get into a routine.

But this time our time is limited.  When he comes home, we don't get to go back to normal.  Every second will be precious.  I just keep thinking back to a month ago when I felt safe and secure.  When our life was "boring" and simple.  I want to go back to that.  I don't want to be worried for another year.  What if he doesn't come back?  I know I shouldn't let my mind go there, but how can it not when every person gives me the same look when they hear he's going to Afghanistan.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON.  They may try to cover it with their words, but their eyes give them away and I find myself agreeing and reassuring them when my head and my heart feel otherwise.

I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I give things either my all or nothing.  I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I now have to do everything.  When I get overwhelmed, I give up and don't do anything at all.  I don't have that option.  I know this is going to sound really selfish, but right now I don't have anyone to take care of me.  I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a long time until this is over.  Gosh, I wish he hadn't signed yet.  I wish he hadn't talked me into letting him sign again.  It's too big of a risk for retirement.  It's not worth it.  No amount of money is worth this risk.

I know I need to trust God.  I'm just at a loss with my heartache and fears to be able to do that right now.  I want to.  I want to be comforted and feel at peace so badly.  I want to have faith that God will bring Brady back safely--but don't you think that many of the wives who lost their husbands had that same faith?  Why should we be so lucky for him to survive a 3rd deployment?  I hope and pray that we are.

My tears right now are more about my fears than anything else.  I'm not just scared on my behalf but also for my kids.  I know how attached I was/am to my mom.  It literally was impossible for me to be away from my mom for an extended period of time (besides going to camp).  Some of my friends can attest to this.  I hurt thinking about how I would feel in their shoes.  I don't want them to be sad. I want to shelter my kids from this kind of pain and hardship.  I want them to have a normal life with Daddy here with us.

All right, time to go blow my nose and hopefully stop this crying.  I'm going to put on Scrubs or How I met your Mother now on the Roku to distract my brain and hopefully will be asleep within minutes.

XOXO,

The greatest hate springs from the greatest love

I promised to be honest, so here goes nothing...

The other night, when I was EXTREMELY angry, I began writing a list of all the things I hate about this situation.  I got to 100 easily and went to find Brady.  He had fallen asleep on the couch.  I was so mad that he could so readily fall asleep while I was so sad and angry that I woke him up and read every item to him.  He stayed on the couch for the whole night--his choice, not mine.

The next morning, (the morning I read the beautiful email from my student), I woke up crying.  Brady barely acknowledged me and I knew I had to make him understand.  I grabbed him and hugged him and apologized.  I told him that this list of things that I hate are actually things that make me love him.  That the reason I hate them right now is because these are 100 reasons I'm going to miss him.  100 things that I love about my life that only work when he's here too.  He forgave me :).

It made me think of that quote "The greatest hate springs from the greatest love."  This actually is one of my "Tapas" that I use in my Spanish classes.  If you think about it, it makes sense.  The people we love most have the power to hurt us the most, but we trust them not to.  When they hurt us, it's worse than when someone we don't even know hurts us.  It magnifies the hurt.  So while Brady did not choose to go on this deployment, he did choose to sign another contract--we had discussed it and agreed that he would but he promised to tell me when he signed it, which he did not.  Part of my anger came from me dealing with the fact that I trusted him to tell me before he signed and he didn't.  He had less than a year on his contract, making it impossible for him to deploy.  Had he waited until, say, next month, he would not be deploying.  

I know that God has a reason for this and I keep reminding myself of that, but it's hard when my head wants to go back through all the what-ifs that would make this situation go away.  I know I have to trust Him, but it is hard, especially after finding out this weekend that of all the jobs the soldiers were assigned, Brady was assigned the most dangerous.  I know it's an honor--it means he's good at what he does and that they trust him to be good at his job.  But right now, I just wish he sucked at his job a little more so he'd safely be on base everyday. Ignorance is bliss.  I wish he could lie to me this time like he did last time, but I was there when he found out and another soldier explained what they "get to do."  Please pray for his safety.  This is his most dangerous deployment yet.

XOXO,

Mad... At myself

This also was from one of my other blogs:

Brady convinced me to let him sign.  He has 6.5 years to be eligible for full retirement benefits from the military.  I wanted to say no, but I listened and stupidly believed the troops were coming home.  I should have listened to my gut.  I am not a gambling person at all.  Anyone who has watched Deal or No Deal with me can attest to this.  I am so unbelievably mad at myself.  WHY DID I LET HIM SIGN????  If he had waited a few more months, this wouldn't have been an issue!!!!  How can he sleep right now?

I feel sick.  So sick.  I am so stupid.  I will NEVER ignore my instincts again.  I WILL NEVER gamble on anything again.  It's JUST NOT WORTH IT.

And my children are FORBIDDEN from joining any branch of the military or marrying into it.  FORBIDDEN.

Ay Deployment

I originally wrote this on a different blog, but it belongs here...

I am so truly blessed in my life.  Just last week I let the thought creep in about how I don't deserve how truly blessed I am.  And then fear creeped in.  Fear that I could lose it all.  Well, I haven't lost it all but our world has been shaken up quite a bit.  We found out that Brady will be deployed for 12 months and that he'll be leaving on May 17th for training.

Yesterday I woke up like normal, and for a couple of seconds, I thought it was all a nightmare, and then I remembered it was really happening and the tears began.  I cried while fixing breakfast, while eating, while getting Kailee dressed, while getting myself dressed, while saying goodbye to Gavin and Brady, while driving to Kailee's school, while dropping Kailee off, while driving to my school... You get the picture.  I managed to hold it together for the faculty meeting but then the tears began again and did not stop until midway through first period.  My colleagues were SOOOOOO wonderful.  I got so many hugs and encouraging words from everyone.  I even got a smiley face sticker that made me smile every time I looked at it.  My students were amazing and completely understanding that Mrs. Barber was having a tough day.  Today two brought me brownies, one a nice note, and two some flowers.

I did not ignore my emotions and really made myself think about what all was running through my head.  I wanted to remember.  I realized that most of my tears were brought on first by fear for Brady's safety, second for the fun summer we had planned that no longer could go according to plan, and third the fear that I am going to fail miserably at this.  I am still scared for Brady's safety--and will have that fear until he's home safe--but I am much more okay with the fact that our summer is not going to be what we planned.  I am closer to acceptance than I thought I'd be at this point.  I am still sad that we have to get a refund on our honeymoon/7-year-itch trip and that Brady won't be able to go to Lost Pines for the 3rd year in a row, but it will be okay despite the fact that it sucks.

I am still really scared about my ability to do this.  I have very little patience and was at my wits end when Brady came back from being gone for only 2 weeks.  I was snapping at my kids left and right and feeling like the world's worst mother after 2 weeks.  I don't want to do this alone.  I am not one of those moms who can't leave her kids for one night.  I need my time away from them to truly appreciate them.  I am a very selfish person.  I need alone time or I can't handle life.  My energy comes from being alone.  Plus, I am a perfectionist, believe it or not, and I feel this HUGE pressure to be the perfect parent to compensate for Daddy leaving and I don't know that I can do it.  Brady is the better parent.  I'm the one who should be deployed.

I don't like taking care of things.  I LOVE that Brady pays the bills and takes care of everything like that for me.  I have no worries.  I have ZERO desire to take care of things like that.  I am worried that things will break and I won't be able to get them fixed because I have to save all my days for when the kids are sick--I only get 10 a school year and 1 goes to the leave pool.

You know, Brady just convinced me to let him sign another contract a couple of months ago.  I naively did not even consider deployment a possibility.  They said troops were coming home.  I cannot believe I had a part in letting this happen to our family.  I swore I would never do anything to let this happen again.  Brady promised he wouldn't sign again.  Why did I listen to him?  Screw retirement.  Now I feel the anger coming on so I'm going to stop this post before it turns into a rant.

Before I end, I do have one more thing that needs to be said.  I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way the last few days.  I did not feel alone and know I made it through the day yesterday and today because of all the wonderful people I am connected to whether in person or through Facebook.  Please continue to pray for us.  All day I have felt strong, but I feel the weakness seeping in again.  Oh well, it's good to just let the tears flow--better tonight at home than tomorrow at school.

XOXO,