It began with a nightmare...

Our 2nd Date, 11/14/04
My mom said she could see us starting our lives together
when she took this pic.

I cried a lot in my sleep last night because of a nightmare.  I dreamt that something happened to Brady and every time I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream continued.  I realize some of it was because of TV I watched yesterday (Ray Romano was in my dream as a therapist--I watched him as a guest star on Parenthood), but it was so real.  I was in my parents' house, trying to figure out when I had to tell Gavin and Kailee.  I was in horrible pain, but I could not bring myself to break their happy, shielded perception of the world and their daddy's safety.  It was AWFUL!   Every time I woke up, I prayed myself back to sleep for Brady's safety and for the safety of all soldiers in dangerous parts of the world.

Today, Brady is on my mind more than usual (I have no distractions, it's not a work day and the kids are at my parents'), and I have been extremely nostalgic today.  8 years ago, little did I know, but in about a month, Brady and I would begin talking online.  I had zero interest in talking to someone whose profile said he was in Vermont, but our second conversation lasted for 3 hours.  Within a couple of weeks, I saw him on the webcam and it was obvious that he was not in Vermont--he was actually in Iraq.  He told me he wanted to meet me when he came home to visit his family in Texas for his 2-week leave.  I knew he had at least 1 other date lined up, but the more we talked (I would stay up half the night talking to him if that was the only time he was available), the more we both realized this was it.  He did not meet up with any other girls while home and bought me a promise ring--the one I wear as my wedding band today.

I cannot believe it's been almost 8 years already, yet when looking over everything that has happened, I cannot believe it has only been 8.  I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who helped all of my dreams come true!  I love him so much and can't wait for him to come home!

XOXO,

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade!  After my last post, I think I need to make some lemonade...

Here's what I've got that makes me happy:

1. My family--especially Brady, Gavin and Kailee
2. My faith, I know He's working on me
3. My hope
4. My heart that loves so much
5. My soul that feels so many emotions, good and bad
6. My mom, she's the strongest person I know
7. My stepdad, Dean, he's our rock
8. My health
9. That while I'll never be rich, at this moment in time, it is not a struggle to make ends meet
10. My boldness--I'm not afraid to confront
11. The internet and wifi
12. My maids
13.  My friends who are always there to listen and guide me (and tell me when I'm wrong)
14. My neighbors who help with the dogs
15. My discipline
16. My dedication and determination
17. My career
18. My babysitter and her friends that fill-in
19. My growing patience (baby steps)
20. My tears, the release is necessary

XOXO,

A chance encounter...

My baby, Kailee, turned 3 on Monday and for the past two years we have gone to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  While there this year (please, let's not get caught up in the whole Chick-Fil-A politics now), Gavin got hurt while wrestling with another little boy--I know, I know, bad parent moment for me, I was reading on my phone at the time.  The mom came over to apologize and I explained that Gavin knows he can only wrestle around with his Dad who has been gone for a couple of months.  Turns out, this woman's husband is currently deployed!  They are stationed out of the country and came home for the summer since her husband was deployed anyway.

We ended up chatting for 3 hours!  The kids (hers are 4 and 6) played wonderfully and were disappointed they had to say goodbye after 3 hours.  If you've ever been to the Chick-Fil-A play place, this is quite impressive as it is small and not that awesome (though I 100% appreciate that the kids are enclosed in a separate glass room so you don't have to hear the screams).  I am sad the family is heading back to their home overseas next week.  We leave tomorrow to see Brady so we won't be able to visit with them again--though we exchanged info and hope to get together when they visit family in the area next time.

It was a great day for all of us :).  We can't wait to head to see Brady tomorrow (we won't get there until Saturday).  Watch for a post in a little over a week about our visit.  I already have plans for a slide show using iMovie.  Stay tuned!

XOXO,

Parenting alone

Parenting is hard with two parents, alone, it can be miserable.  I recently decided to try to potty train Kailee.  Well, if I'm honest, I was really excited when my mother-in-law offered to do it because I was DREADING IT.  Unfortunately she was unable to do it after all.  I brought home Kailee determined that we were done with diapers.  I had been so excited at the thought that I could not put it off any longer.  We began Monday around 5pm--yes I realize that might seem crazy, but I was determined and just plain done with diapers.  I won't go into details of all the accidents on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but yesterday I did have a meltdown (not in front of her) where I broke down crying just as a sweet friend called to let me vent.  She asked the million dollar question, "So why are you adding to your stress right now?"

That is a VERY good question.  Here's the honest answer:  while we have been adjusting to Brady being gone, it has been hard and I've found myself becoming more and more envious of the people around me.  I had a great life and I knew it.  I miss the life I took for granted and I was beginning to see all the negatives. I felt like so many things were going wrong and I just needed something to go right.  I try not to complain about something if I'm not willing to take action to change it--hence, my insane workout regimen which is making me quite toned.  After hearing about two close friends who potty trained their 1-year-olds in the last month, I decided I needed that.  I needed my almost-3-year-old to get the heck out of diapers.  It has been an up and down process this week but we are finally having a VERY successful day.  She's had zero accidents and finally pooped in the potty.  Let me tell ya, there were tears.  I cried in relief!  I picked her up and tossed her in the air, swung her around, cheered, and gave her about 50 M&Ms.  We called Brady and he was just as excited and praised her over the phone.

I won't go so far as to say we are done, but we have made huge progress and are committed to no daytime diapers, just pull-ups at night!

Next project: drop the pacifier or as Kailee calls it, "Myna."

XOXO,

Lazy Sunday

On Sunday, I slept in.  I know, I know, I should have gotten up and gone to church, but it was a much needed opportunity to sleep in and actually was the first time I slept in since Brady left (I have been sleeping with either the TV on or a light each night since he left which has made for less than stellar rest).  Every other time the kids have been gone overnight, I still woke up at like 7am.  On Sunday, I slept in until 11 and still have 5 hours until I needed to get the kids from my parents' house.  

So what did I do?  

I could have done some laundry (okay, I did do 1 load), I could have tidied up the house, I could have gone to the grocery store...  I didn't do any of that.  I worked out and proceeded to watch the remaining 4 episodes of Revenge on my DVR and it was WONDERFUL.  Yeah it meant I might have to brave the store with 2 wild children, but sometimes, you just gotta relax and forget your responsibilities.  

I am so grateful my parents live nearby and give me a break each weekend.  I am a social being BUT I need my alone time to reenergize and that's exactly what I got on Sunday.

And Brady comes home tonight! :)

XOXO,

Butterflies :)

As the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  Well, this text message this morning gave me butterflies :).  It's the little things that matter most!

XOXO,

Thank you, veterans!

Thank you to all the veterans who have served our country!  I am forever grateful for the the spoiled lifestyle I can lead without fear thanks to every person who ever fought on our nation's behalf.  

And thank you to the families of veterans!  Our sacrifice and hardship are not without reason.

I am especially thankful for my husband!  I am so lucky he found and chose me :).  I love you, Brady!

XOXO,

3 Day rule

Whenever there are big changes in my life, it typically takes me 3 days of mourning for the old life before I start to feel better.  Brady left Saturday, day 1, and while I was distracted most of the day, when I drove home late in the evening, the tears began.  Then on Sunday, day 2, I cried pretty much all day and evening.  Yesterday, day 3, I cried before work and after work.  Today, I woke up a little sad, but did not feel the urge to cry.  I have had a great day for the most part (despite my students who have completely checked out and who are fighting tooth and nail to not have to do anymore work this year).  Tonight, I didn't even get overwhelmed with all the things that had/have to get done.  For example, I had to unload the dishwasher so that the maids would be able to load it when they come tomorrow.  Speaking of the maids, I had to do my part to put the house back together so the maids can thoroughly clean--the downstairs is ready to go, though I will tackle the upstairs as soon as I'm done with this post.  Not to mention the baths that I put on my calendar so I wouldn't forget to keep my children clean (in my defense, bath time has been a Daddy thing since day 1).  I also remembered to feed the dogs (that caused tears on Sunday when I forgot to feed them until like 10am) and hopefully will find time to do workout 99 tonight.

I'm tearing up right now, not because I'm sad but because I'm relieved to feel more at peace and to want to be an active participant in my life.  I have been praying--or rather, BEGGING for peace--and while our situation is not ideal, I am again able to focus on the amazing blessings around me.  I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me to receive words of encouragement from so many people the last few days (and weeks).  It really has helped me get through the beginning which to me is always the hardest part.

Now off to clean up the upstairs, which wouldn't be so bad except that I decided to rearrange the entire master bedroom last night (you may call this my new stress outlet seeing as how I don't have to clean anymore), making it necessary to go through tons of books and random things.

XOXO,

Thank you, AT&T!

On Friday, Brady's school presented him with a new 4G iPad so on Saturday, we went to get a case and some service for it.  While we don't plan to pay for service while he's overseas, he can use it until he ships out in August.  The man who helped us gave us $60 in free accessories.  Just because.  Just to do something nice for my husband who will be serving our country yet again overseas.  Brady only wanted some headphones and then insisted I get yet another case for my iPhone.  Naturally I obliged and got this adorable giraff print case.

AT&T has once again given me reason to stay their customer.  When Brady was deployed last time, I sent him a cell phone.  It didn't work, so he broke it and tossed it, without removing the SIM card (we had just switched from Sprint and he didn't know about SIM cards).  He didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and figured he could deal with it later.  Well...  Someone stole and used the SIM card, racking up $2500 in international calling charges.  When I got the bill, I immediately thought, "OMG!  Brady is having an affair!!!!"  NOPE!  Brady thought a broken phone meant no one could use it, which he was correct--though the SIM card still functioned.  Unfortunately, other soldiers took advantage (yes, you read that correctly--they couldn't prove who, but I called the only US number on the bill and the guy said his cousin used someone's phone to call him).  AT&T was WONDERFUL.  Technically, we did not report the SIM card stolen in a timely manner but in the end, we only had to pay $63.  I am forever a fan of AT&T because of that.

XOXO,

The greatest hate springs from the greatest love

I promised to be honest, so here goes nothing...

The other night, when I was EXTREMELY angry, I began writing a list of all the things I hate about this situation.  I got to 100 easily and went to find Brady.  He had fallen asleep on the couch.  I was so mad that he could so readily fall asleep while I was so sad and angry that I woke him up and read every item to him.  He stayed on the couch for the whole night--his choice, not mine.

The next morning, (the morning I read the beautiful email from my student), I woke up crying.  Brady barely acknowledged me and I knew I had to make him understand.  I grabbed him and hugged him and apologized.  I told him that this list of things that I hate are actually things that make me love him.  That the reason I hate them right now is because these are 100 reasons I'm going to miss him.  100 things that I love about my life that only work when he's here too.  He forgave me :).

It made me think of that quote "The greatest hate springs from the greatest love."  This actually is one of my "Tapas" that I use in my Spanish classes.  If you think about it, it makes sense.  The people we love most have the power to hurt us the most, but we trust them not to.  When they hurt us, it's worse than when someone we don't even know hurts us.  It magnifies the hurt.  So while Brady did not choose to go on this deployment, he did choose to sign another contract--we had discussed it and agreed that he would but he promised to tell me when he signed it, which he did not.  Part of my anger came from me dealing with the fact that I trusted him to tell me before he signed and he didn't.  He had less than a year on his contract, making it impossible for him to deploy.  Had he waited until, say, next month, he would not be deploying.  

I know that God has a reason for this and I keep reminding myself of that, but it's hard when my head wants to go back through all the what-ifs that would make this situation go away.  I know I have to trust Him, but it is hard, especially after finding out this weekend that of all the jobs the soldiers were assigned, Brady was assigned the most dangerous.  I know it's an honor--it means he's good at what he does and that they trust him to be good at his job.  But right now, I just wish he sucked at his job a little more so he'd safely be on base everyday. Ignorance is bliss.  I wish he could lie to me this time like he did last time, but I was there when he found out and another soldier explained what they "get to do."  Please pray for his safety.  This is his most dangerous deployment yet.

XOXO,

The generosity of others

I have been so overwhelmed by the generosity of others in this last week.  We do not deserve the amazing gifts that have been bestowed upon us and words cannot fully demonstrate how appreciative we are!

First, my students have been soooo thoughtful!  I have gotten brownies, cards, notes, the cookie cake (see previous post) and an amazing email.

Yesterday, Brady's school had an assembly to show their gratitude for him and to give him a goodbye party of sorts (this is his first year teaching).  Some of his students cried upon hearing that he was leaving.  The school and some parents got together and bought Brady the new iPad as a going away present.  We are so grateful because the ability to facetime or skype from the device while he is gone will mean SOOOOOOOOO much to us.

Yesterday, I also got an unexpected gift.  4 of my closest girlfriends who I met through my sorority at Austin College got together to hire a photographer to come take family pictures of us on our vacation to Great Wolf Lodge in a week.  I was speechless.  What an amazing gift!  We will all cherish these pictures forever and especially as we deal with our year apart.  Thank you, Holly, Roni, Shannon and Erika!  You guys are the best!  Even though we aren't nearby, I know you are here for me.

Again, words cannot capture my gratitude for all the kind words of encouragement I've received this week.  While I'm scared for this year, I do not feel alone.  I feel truly loved and supported.  THANK YOU!

XOXO,

A Cookie Cake from Some Sweet Students

Upon arriving at school this morning, I had a crowd of students waiting for me.  They claimed to be here for make-ups and I searched my brain for memory of telling them to come in.  I've been so scatter-brained this week with my mind on the impending deployment, I didn't question it too much.  Then another student arrived with a surprise: a Cookie Cake (in patriotic colors)!

They also all signed a beautiful card for me and one student made sure to tell me they all pitched in $6 for everything.  I feel VERY special!

I am so blessed :)!

XOXO,

A letter from a student

Today I woke up sad.  And then I read this email from a student:

Mrs. Barber,

I wanted to send you this email because I am so much better at expressing myself through writing than in person, but want to talk to you sometime before summer as well. These past couple of days, your attitude has been such a light. I know your life may seem kind of dark right now and you might feel down, but your ability to break out of that is inspiration to me. When you were so honest and told us you needed a day to just be sad, you still held it together for us because you aren't going to let one thing in your life negatively affect the other things. The beginning of this year I was having a really hard time finding joy in the darkness when we lost a close family friend. I fought the negativity, and though I'm still sad and it's still hard I'm able to be joyful. The way that you are so easily able to put a smile on your face for the sake of others is remarkable and so selfless. I hope you realize, even in your humility, how truly amazing you are in handling this. I have a potentially busy summer, but will be here most weekends. I wanted to offer to babysit because I know that you'll be alone with the kids all summer. Even if it's just while you run some errands, I'd be more than willing to help out in any way possible because you deserve it. If not, I'll be helping out by praying for you, your husband, and your kids to understand the best you all can and be safe. I've had so much respect for your strength and optimism these past couple of days. Let me know what I can do to help out. Thank you for being a light and an inspiration to us all.


After reading that and an inspirational message from a high school friend (thanks, Alli!), I knew I could make it through the day.  And so far I have!

XOXO,

Ay Deployment

I originally wrote this on a different blog, but it belongs here...

I am so truly blessed in my life.  Just last week I let the thought creep in about how I don't deserve how truly blessed I am.  And then fear creeped in.  Fear that I could lose it all.  Well, I haven't lost it all but our world has been shaken up quite a bit.  We found out that Brady will be deployed for 12 months and that he'll be leaving on May 17th for training.

Yesterday I woke up like normal, and for a couple of seconds, I thought it was all a nightmare, and then I remembered it was really happening and the tears began.  I cried while fixing breakfast, while eating, while getting Kailee dressed, while getting myself dressed, while saying goodbye to Gavin and Brady, while driving to Kailee's school, while dropping Kailee off, while driving to my school... You get the picture.  I managed to hold it together for the faculty meeting but then the tears began again and did not stop until midway through first period.  My colleagues were SOOOOOO wonderful.  I got so many hugs and encouraging words from everyone.  I even got a smiley face sticker that made me smile every time I looked at it.  My students were amazing and completely understanding that Mrs. Barber was having a tough day.  Today two brought me brownies, one a nice note, and two some flowers.

I did not ignore my emotions and really made myself think about what all was running through my head.  I wanted to remember.  I realized that most of my tears were brought on first by fear for Brady's safety, second for the fun summer we had planned that no longer could go according to plan, and third the fear that I am going to fail miserably at this.  I am still scared for Brady's safety--and will have that fear until he's home safe--but I am much more okay with the fact that our summer is not going to be what we planned.  I am closer to acceptance than I thought I'd be at this point.  I am still sad that we have to get a refund on our honeymoon/7-year-itch trip and that Brady won't be able to go to Lost Pines for the 3rd year in a row, but it will be okay despite the fact that it sucks.

I am still really scared about my ability to do this.  I have very little patience and was at my wits end when Brady came back from being gone for only 2 weeks.  I was snapping at my kids left and right and feeling like the world's worst mother after 2 weeks.  I don't want to do this alone.  I am not one of those moms who can't leave her kids for one night.  I need my time away from them to truly appreciate them.  I am a very selfish person.  I need alone time or I can't handle life.  My energy comes from being alone.  Plus, I am a perfectionist, believe it or not, and I feel this HUGE pressure to be the perfect parent to compensate for Daddy leaving and I don't know that I can do it.  Brady is the better parent.  I'm the one who should be deployed.

I don't like taking care of things.  I LOVE that Brady pays the bills and takes care of everything like that for me.  I have no worries.  I have ZERO desire to take care of things like that.  I am worried that things will break and I won't be able to get them fixed because I have to save all my days for when the kids are sick--I only get 10 a school year and 1 goes to the leave pool.

You know, Brady just convinced me to let him sign another contract a couple of months ago.  I naively did not even consider deployment a possibility.  They said troops were coming home.  I cannot believe I had a part in letting this happen to our family.  I swore I would never do anything to let this happen again.  Brady promised he wouldn't sign again.  Why did I listen to him?  Screw retirement.  Now I feel the anger coming on so I'm going to stop this post before it turns into a rant.

Before I end, I do have one more thing that needs to be said.  I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way the last few days.  I did not feel alone and know I made it through the day yesterday and today because of all the wonderful people I am connected to whether in person or through Facebook.  Please continue to pray for us.  All day I have felt strong, but I feel the weakness seeping in again.  Oh well, it's good to just let the tears flow--better tonight at home than tomorrow at school.

XOXO,