The greatest hate springs from the greatest love

I promised to be honest, so here goes nothing...

The other night, when I was EXTREMELY angry, I began writing a list of all the things I hate about this situation.  I got to 100 easily and went to find Brady.  He had fallen asleep on the couch.  I was so mad that he could so readily fall asleep while I was so sad and angry that I woke him up and read every item to him.  He stayed on the couch for the whole night--his choice, not mine.

The next morning, (the morning I read the beautiful email from my student), I woke up crying.  Brady barely acknowledged me and I knew I had to make him understand.  I grabbed him and hugged him and apologized.  I told him that this list of things that I hate are actually things that make me love him.  That the reason I hate them right now is because these are 100 reasons I'm going to miss him.  100 things that I love about my life that only work when he's here too.  He forgave me :).

It made me think of that quote "The greatest hate springs from the greatest love."  This actually is one of my "Tapas" that I use in my Spanish classes.  If you think about it, it makes sense.  The people we love most have the power to hurt us the most, but we trust them not to.  When they hurt us, it's worse than when someone we don't even know hurts us.  It magnifies the hurt.  So while Brady did not choose to go on this deployment, he did choose to sign another contract--we had discussed it and agreed that he would but he promised to tell me when he signed it, which he did not.  Part of my anger came from me dealing with the fact that I trusted him to tell me before he signed and he didn't.  He had less than a year on his contract, making it impossible for him to deploy.  Had he waited until, say, next month, he would not be deploying.  

I know that God has a reason for this and I keep reminding myself of that, but it's hard when my head wants to go back through all the what-ifs that would make this situation go away.  I know I have to trust Him, but it is hard, especially after finding out this weekend that of all the jobs the soldiers were assigned, Brady was assigned the most dangerous.  I know it's an honor--it means he's good at what he does and that they trust him to be good at his job.  But right now, I just wish he sucked at his job a little more so he'd safely be on base everyday. Ignorance is bliss.  I wish he could lie to me this time like he did last time, but I was there when he found out and another soldier explained what they "get to do."  Please pray for his safety.  This is his most dangerous deployment yet.

XOXO,