I put off coming home today until I absolutely had to (9pm is when I arrived home after leaving at 5:30am), and I was okay until I came upstairs and got into bed. Looking over to Brady's side of the bed, seeing his clothes in the closet, I miss him. I know it's silly to be crying right now as I type. I saw him this morning, I will see him again in 3.5 weeks, but every time he goes away, the first 3 nights are lonely. After about the 3rd night, I start to adjust and get into a routine.
But this time our time is limited. When he comes home, we don't get to go back to normal. Every second will be precious. I just keep thinking back to a month ago when I felt safe and secure. When our life was "boring" and simple. I want to go back to that. I don't want to be worried for another year. What if he doesn't come back? I know I shouldn't let my mind go there, but how can it not when every person gives me the same look when they hear he's going to Afghanistan. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. They may try to cover it with their words, but their eyes give them away and I find myself agreeing and reassuring them when my head and my heart feel otherwise.
I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I give things either my all or nothing. I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I now have to do everything. When I get overwhelmed, I give up and don't do anything at all. I don't have that option. I know this is going to sound really selfish, but right now I don't have anyone to take care of me. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a long time until this is over. Gosh, I wish he hadn't signed yet. I wish he hadn't talked me into letting him sign again. It's too big of a risk for retirement. It's not worth it. No amount of money is worth this risk.
I know I need to trust God. I'm just at a loss with my heartache and fears to be able to do that right now. I want to. I want to be comforted and feel at peace so badly. I want to have faith that God will bring Brady back safely--but don't you think that many of the wives who lost their husbands had that same faith? Why should we be so lucky for him to survive a 3rd deployment? I hope and pray that we are.
My tears right now are more about my fears than anything else. I'm not just scared on my behalf but also for my kids. I know how attached I was/am to my mom. It literally was impossible for me to be away from my mom for an extended period of time (besides going to camp). Some of my friends can attest to this. I hurt thinking about how I would feel in their shoes. I don't want them to be sad. I want to shelter my kids from this kind of pain and hardship. I want them to have a normal life with Daddy here with us.
All right, time to go blow my nose and hopefully stop this crying. I'm going to put on Scrubs or How I met your Mother now on the Roku to distract my brain and hopefully will be asleep within minutes.
XOXO,
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